


Til Death Do Us Part

by xxdeathwishxx212



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Death, Depression, Explicit Language, Foreshadowing, M/M, Married Couple, Minor Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-07 03:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16846240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxdeathwishxx212/pseuds/xxdeathwishxx212
Summary: In this Levi x Eren fanfic Eren is 25 and Levi is 29. They are happily married and have been for close to 4 years. The met and started dating a little after Eren’s 18th birthday. Eren works as a bartender and Levi works as a cop.Levi never knew his parents, but that never hindered him even in the slightest. Eren, on the other hand, has lost both of his parents. His mother when he was ten and his father to cancer just a little less than three months ago. Even though he was knocked off his feet he will try his best to get back on solid ground again.Eren and Levi’s love is as solid as the earth beneath them, so when arguments arise they are usually able to resolve it quickly. What happens when it’s the same argument that just keeps coming up? Will they be able to resolve it, will they even get the chance to try?This story will make you cry. Also, TRIGGER WARNING. You have been warned, continue at your own risk. (warnings include: depression, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, mentions of suicide, death, and more)





	1. A Normal Day

Life, it’s something you should never take advantage of. It’s short and messy, yet full of adventure and wonder. That's how it all started, I took life for granted. I didn’t appreciate it, but I hope you do. 

I opened my eyes and looked around before checking the clock. It read 12:02 am, I must have dozed off, last I remember it was 11:23 pm. Levi still wasn’t home? I sat up and sighed before getting up. I was about to head into our bedroom when I heard keys at the door. 

The door opened and Levi walked in looking up at me. “Hey babe, what are you still doing up?” He asked before walking up and giving me a kiss.

“I wanted to wait for you so I could welcome you home, so um, welcome home,” I said before throwing my arms around him. 

“I love you brat,” he said before picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. 

“What are you doing.” I was a little caught off guard at his actions at first. 

“You’re opening tomorrow, you have to get some sleep,” he said before carrying me into the bedroom and setting me down on the bed. “I appreciate you waiting for me, but you need your sleep,” he insisted before heading out of the room probably to grab something to eat. 

I just sat on the bed with a pout on my face determined to stay awake until he came to bed. Next thing I knew I was waking up to my alarm so my plan to stay up must have worked so well. I sat up and let out an annoyed sigh. I was way too tired to go to work.  
“Babe, can you please turn that off,” Levi groaned next to me as he tried to shove his face farther into his pillow. 

“Sorry,” I whispered to him turning it off. I slid out of bed and went to start my day. After I finished showering and getting ready I walked back in and placed a kiss on Levi’s cheek before leaving, or that was the plan, but Levi wrapped his arms around my waist and wouldn’t let me go. 

“I have to go to work,” I mumbled not really wanting to go. Anyone could hear how bleak my voice sounded. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and forget the day. However, if I did that then I would just be allowing depression to take hold again. 

“When does your shift end?” He asked looking up at me. I could tell he was still a little groggy from sleep, but, he looked hopeful about something.

“Around 4.”

He fully perked up as his lips moved to my ear nibbling on it for a moment before whispering to me. “So you mean I might actually get to see my husband for more than 5 minutes.” I could tell he was excited.  
“Yup, as long as they don’t call you in.” 

“This has been my first real day off in almost two weeks, they’re not calling me in. If they call I’m hanging up,” he said and couldn’t help but laugh. We would finally have a night to ourselves that wasn’t overtaken by one of our work schedules.  
“Well, maybe tonight we can finally have a date night?” I couldn’t help but smile now maybe today wouldn’t be that bad after all. Usually I never truly believe that tonight will be the night neither of us have to work because something always comes along. However, he seemed to be determined so I’ll remain hopeful… for now.

“It’s a date,” he said before pulling me in for a kiss. “Now hurry up and leave so you can come back sooner.”

“That’s not how it works,” I rolled my eyes but before I could leave Levi caught my wrist. 

“Did you take your meds?” he asked quickly remembering to remind me to keep me on a better track than where I was taking myself.

I just stopped for a minute. He knew I had stopped taking them since my dad died and that's probably why my depression has been coming back worse than before. “I’ll take them now,” I sighed before grabbing my antidepressants and a quick bite to eat and heading to work. I did end up taking them but I don’t know I feel like they only do half of what they used to since I stopped taking them. Maybe it’s just because I’m still grieving.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a little after my mom passed away. I mean, they were just telling me what I already knew. I might not have known the name of the mental disorder, but I knew I had something wrong with me. Especially after all those thoughts kept berating my head day in and day out. 

Apparently, it wasn’t normal to want to jump in front of traffic every moment of the day? Who knew? I definitely didn’t know that. I’m just glad that my dad realized something was wrong. Then again he is a doctor so I guess it only makes sense for him to know something isn’t right. He took me to see a mental help specialist and sure enough something was wrong with me. 

My poor father, he tried his best after mom died, he really did. However, I still had to grow up fast. Mikasa and I both did. It was hard. We were left on our own for several hours, occasionally days at a time as dad worked himself to death to support us. All that stress really did a number on him. He aged ten years in the span of one. He always looked tired and he always seemed sore.

Once in a blue moon when he actually had a day off he would sit down for movie night only to fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie. We couldn’t blame him, he was doing his best. As much as I thanked him and appreciated what he did it still doesn’t feel like enough. Especially since he passed away. It feels like he wasted his life for mine, and my life is nothing compared to his. 

He was a well-respected doctor who worked himself to death for his kids. I’m just a pathetic bartender who will never amount to anything more. If I could have given him the years I had left I would have. He was more important than me. He is the one that should be alive spending his life how he wants rather than me who is wasting mine.

I was almost done with my shift when my reason for giving my hopes up came in. My boss broke the news to me low and behold the universe keeping us apart once again. She pulled me aside and informed me that someone had just told her they were refusing to come in for there shift and they were short staffed. She regretfully told me that I was going to have to work a double shift. 

I felt my heart sink, I was finally able to spend some time with Levi, but that hope was flushed down the drain. That’s what I get for actually having plans and being excited for them. She apologized to me upon seeing the disappointment in my face. It was hard to blame her I mean it wasn’t her fault, she wasn’t the asshole who decided to ditch work for the second time this month. Some good news was that said asshole was getting fired, but of course, the good news comes with bad news. One less employee meant more work for the rest of us. 

I asked her if I could step aside and tell my husband and she told me that was alright before heading back to work. I called up Levi who I knew was waiting for me to come home. I held back the disappointment in my voice as he answered. 

“Hey, babe off work already?” He asked and I felt guilty for even suggesting a date night tonight. Not only was I destroying my own hopes up but now I have to tear Levi’s down too.

“Not exactly,” I sighed. 

“Don’t tell me,” he groaned. Was I that obvious? Of course, I was how could I not have been I was pissed.

“I’m sorry, some dick didn’t show up for his shift,” I took a breath holding back my anger and sadness. I was really looking forward to tonight and I could tell he was too.

“It’s fine, it happens,” he sighed, “how late do you have to work?” he asked. There was still some hope in his voice. It just made me angrier. 

“Until around 11.”

“Oh,” there it was the last bit of hope that had been in his voice crushed beneath my response. Nothing like destroying your husbands hope to make you love your job.

“Sorry.” I know he could tell how upset I was, but I just hope that he wasn’t too angry about it later. Maybe if I finally quit then we could spend some time together? No, to quit I would have to find another job and I’m not good at anything else.

“It’s not your fault, I’ll see you when you get home tonight,” he said and I felt like throwing my phone right then and there. I hated hearing him so disappointed especially because of me. I hated feeling so disappointed. I should have known that Levi and I would never get some damn alone time. I should have just stayed quiet this morning I mean seriously what was I thinking? Date night? As if, for both of us to be off it would have to be the end of the world or something. Nope, if it was the end of the world chances are Levi would still have to go to work. 

“I love you, babe,” I mumbled not even sure if he was still on the phone. I wouldn’t be, I would have hung up so he wouldn’t realize how upset I was. 

“I love you to brat,” he said and I heard the line cut off before I could say anything more. I angrily shoved my phone back in my pocket and got back to work. My voice was no longer cheerful, I wasn’t even trying to kiss ass for tips anymore my tone was apathetic afraid that someone might hear just how upset I felt.

I mean people came to the bar to forget their problems not to hear about someone else's. Right now I just wish I was on the other end of the counter.


	2. Work

When I got home around 11:30 pm I thought Levi might be sleeping since he had work tomorrow morning, but nope he was sitting on the couch with a book in hand. "Welcome back babe," he smiled. He stood up and led me to the couch where he told me to wait for him.

"I don't think you've eaten much today so I ordered food. I know it's not much but I thought we could at least eat together since date night was canceled," he suggested and even though my fatigue from 16 hours of work I couldn't help but smile at him and agree. I don't deserve him he's too good to me.

He disappeared into the kitchen and next, I knew I was waking up in bed. I was out of my dirty work clothes and in a comfy pair of sweats and my shirt was gone. There was a pain in my stomach as an alarm was going off. It was Levi's. I sat up and looked at him and he just gave me a sad smile. "What-," I wasn't even able to finish my question.

"When I came back with the food you were sound asleep." He carried me to bed and I didn't even notice man I must have been more tired than I thought. Still, I can't help but feel bad. He went to all that effort and I fell asleep on him. I'm such an ass.

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You looked exhausted. It's okay I might get to see you before you have to go into work."

"When do you get off?"

"Around 8."

I just sighed, "I go in at 7."

"Well, we'll work something out okay, don't go feeling guilty," he said placing a kiss on my lips that had already formed a pout. "I'll call you later to remind you to take your meds. Also, your food is in the fridge if you want to eat it later today."

He sounded so loving towards me. Why? I don't deserve this not after what I just did to him. He tried so hard to make it work and I blew it... again. "Sorry."

He just sighed and sat back down on the bed next to me. "I can try and call in sick, I don't know if they'll believe me but you need me here I'll stay?"

"No, no, no, don't waste your sick days because I'm being a little moody." I gave him a big smile. I just hope he didn't realize it was faked. "I'll make it up to you I promise," I gave him a kiss and let him finished getting ready before sitting down for some breakfast. I heated up the food Levi got for me last night. He ordered my favorite, now I feel even worse. The microwave beeped and I carried the food over to the table. When I sat down he set my antidepressants next to me with a glass of water and told me to take them now since I was up. He didn't want to forget to call me later.

When I stopped taking them not only did my depression come back worse than before but I also had to deal with antidepressant discontinuation syndrome which was absolute hell. A week of vomiting, lightheadedness, being pissed off, and tired. God that week lasted months. After he watched me take it he felt a little better. It was embarrassing having to be told and monitored so that I wouldn't skip my meds again. I get it, the incident was enough to tell me that I shouldn't skip them anymore.

After dad died I stopped taking the pills because I just felt like they weren't working anyways, but of course, it would be harder for them to work when grief was overpowering them. After about a month back I got really bad and did something really stupid. I let one of those thoughts get to my head. I stopped blocking them out and listened to one. And because of that, I did something I regretted. I woke up in the hospital that night with Levi standing over me with a look I'll never forget.

I had to go to the psychiatric ward for 24 hours after that so they could make sure that I wasn't a risk to myself or others. The whole time I was there the intrusive thoughts got worse. I didn't need to be in that stupid place, I needed to go home to Levi. After that every day since he's made sure I've taken my meds.

He sat down at the table with me. His breakfast was brief before heading out to work. "Hey," I stopped him in the doorway. "You come back home safe, okay?" I said and he nodded.

"Love you brat."

"Love you too babe." The door closed and I wanted nothing more than to just chase after him and tell him to stay, but I couldn't. He has to work and I can't stop him from doing that.

After I finished breakfast I couldn't really find the motivation to do anything so I just went back to bed. I was still kinda tired so at least I had an excuse to waste away the day just laying there. Levi called me on his lunch break and that was the best part of my day. We talked for 20 straight minutes. He told me that he ran into Hanji on a call.

Hanji was his friend who worked as a paramedic. I had gotten to meet her quite a few times and she definitely is a sweet person but she's um, how should I put this, enthusiastic about everything and is quite eccentric.

Apparently, she had told Levi that we should go on a double date with her and her wife. Yeah right, we could barely get some time to even see each other, let alone two other people with the same busy schedules.

When It was time for me to go to work again I debated about calling in sick, or dead. Instead, I threw on my jeans and my shirt with the bars logo. I was about to head out but paused at the countertop. I checked my phone, I have a few minutes. I pulled out a piece of paper and left a little note for Levi for when he got home.

I used to do this all the time, but since dad died I had stopped. I was barely able to get myself up out of bed let alone think up and write out a cute message. However, today I just really needed him to know how much I loved him, and besides it made me feel a little better writing it. I signed it with my name and a little heart before heading out to work.

Thirty minutes into my shift and it's already gone to hell. I just got off the phone with a 911 operator. I'm just glad some of my regulars blocked the doors and grabbed the guy. Spiking a girls drink, did you honestly think you would get away with that right in front of my face.

I always knew making friends with the bikers who frequented here would pay off. Dickless here is too afraid to even move let alone try and leave. The girl, on the other hand, is pissed, rightfully so. She slapped him and when I told her she couldn't pour her drink on him since it was evidence I happily gave her a fresh glass of ice cold water so she could throw that one at him instead.

When I saw the blue and red lights outside I watched as the biker blocking the door stepped aside and oh wait a minute. Levi walked in. Man, this guy was in trouble now. Levi and I remained professional since we were both at work, but I'll be honest it hadn't even crossed my mind that he might be the one responding to the call. Levi put him in the back of his car and asked for everyone who witnessed the incident.

He pulled us all over to the side and listened to us one by one before dismissing us. He saved me for last and waited until we were alone before pulling me into a kiss.

"Was that really necessary or did you just want a kiss?" I couldn't help but be amused at the thought of him going through all that just for me.

"Honestly, I didn't think that many people saw something," he let out an annoyed sigh before pulling me into another kiss.

"Well, I need to get going. Maybe after I get off and get changed I'll come back and hit on one of the bartenders. There's this one guy with this amazing ass," he said before his hand grabbed mine. He sounded more like he was asking for permission.

"As long as he can find you in his bed later," I smiled and Levi gave me a nod. I watched him walk back out to his car with a new skip in his step. To anyone else, it looked like a normal walk, but I knew him and I could always tell when something had made him happy.

When he came back in a little over an hour later it made the night go faster and man he wasn't kidding. He spent the whole time flirting with me. Some of the girls at the bar gave him dirty looks since they were already trying to get in my pants.

One of the things I hated most about my job was that I couldn't wear my wedding ring on my finger like a normal person since my hands got sticky and while cleaning the bar at closing it could get easily lost. I wore it around my neck attached to a chain, however, most people never realize that it's a wedding ring, well, that or they just don't care.

The girls really got pissed when I started flirting back with him and not them. I didn't pay them much attention they were sober and still being rude. Drunk I might be a little more forgiving but sober, you have no excuse.

One of the times I turned away to help another customer Levi must have talked to them because they didn't say another word to me the rest of the night except for asking me to close their tab. They also wouldn't even dare to look up from their drinks.

Maybe I should have Levi come in more often. He never was one for bars, but I don't think he really cared all that much since as he put it he "has a nice view," or whatever. When he left a little later I was a little sad to see him go but it was okay. It just meant I could go home to him tonight.

After the bar closed that's exactly what I did. I came home and showered rinsing the filth from the bar off of me before laying down next to him. I scooted close to him and rested my face up against his back. Before I could even throw my arm over him he was turning around.

He pulled me close to him and gave me a loving smile. "Welcome home babe," his voice was raspy and his hair disheveled from sleep.

I just placed a kiss on his lips. "Good to be home."


	3. Date Night

It had been a little over a week when our schedules lined up for a mutual day off. Well, then again that was because my boss felt guilty for making me work so much after that jackass got fired. She was a sweet lady, and she has no need to feel guilty in my book. However, when she insisted that I take two days off from work and I couldn’t turn that offer down. I just asked if I could pick one of the days to match my husbands days and she agreed. Even with these two days off, I felt like I still couldn’t trust it, that something would come through and take this away from us.

That was until it was the day off and we had both made it through without being called in. I let out a sigh of relief as we both got ready for date night. As much as we wanted to take Hanji up on her offer it turns out she was working today. Oh well, maybe next time.

Levi refused to tell me where we were going he just told me to dress nice and get in the car. I didn’t bother questioning him. I’ve learned he’s an unbreakable force when he wants to keep something a secret. When we pulled up at the restaurant my jaw dropped.

“Levi no, it’s too expensive. Let’s go somewhere else.”

“Don’t worry babe. With as much as I’ve been working, I can definitely afford it. Besides, this is the first date night we’ve had in like over a month, let me spoil you a little.”

That was the thing most people never expect when meeting Levi, they always expect me to be the romantic one, but Levi is the one doing little cute things, or sometimes big things just to show me he loves me. I feel bad at times that he goes to such lengths when I’m really not that special but, at the same time I can’t help but fall more and more in love with him. I don’t deserve him that’s for sure.

We were sat at a table and I couldn’t help but look around at this place. I had never been here before, but when this place opened up it was all people were talking about, especially the prices.

The room was dimly lit with candles on every table. The table clothes were all an elegant white. The chairs, god they were comfortable. The doorways arched. Even the bar that was more hidden towards the front and away from the dining area was beautifully decorated. It didn’t even look close to where I worked. The bottles seemed to never be empty and the bartenders were graceful in all there movements. Their clothes didn’t look like normal bartenders, and by that, I mean filled with dirt, sticky substances, or alcoholic fumes.

It seemed the bartenders weren’t the only ones who looked graceful in their movements. The waiters all looked like they had sticks up their asses and there posture made them seem more like robots than humans. The way they walked to each table looked more like a glide rather than actually walking.

Our waiter came around with a wine list along with two menus. Levi already had his selection. He told the waiter and within a minute the waiter had returned with two wine glasses and the bottle put in an ice block? Wow usually they had put it in a bucket filled with ice, but no this place had a block of ice with a hole in the middle that is decorated with flowers frozen into it. It was hard to even tell that it was ice at first since the flowers were so vibrant it almost looked like a cylinder bouquet.

“This place is amazing,” I mumbled.

I just looked to Levi who shrugged it off and gave me a smile. “An amazing place for an amazing man,” he said and I stopped dead in my tracks as I fought the smile that spread over my lips.

“That was cheesy,” I whispered shaking my head.

“I could get cheesier, but I’ll save you the embarrassment,” he smiled to himself before setting down his menu finding what he wanted.

After I set mine down a waiter was at our table almost instantly. This place sure is amazing are the waiter’s mind readers? We placed our order and the waiter vanished again.

Levi and I just talked he told me about what was going on at his job and some of the stuff he had been seeing over the past few weeks. I told him what’s been happening at the bar and how some of my regulars still tease me about my husband who spent the day flirting with me.

He laughed at that. “Maybe I should go back and do it again since they got a kick out of it the first time,” he joked.

“I think they were just surprised to see you were a real person and not just a figment of my imagination,” I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. As if I could think up someone as loving as Levi.

Levi and I swapped stories for the next ten minutes. He was telling me about some of the shenanigans he caught Hanji doing the other day while they were working together on a call. Apparently, she couldn’t stop laughing about the incident in which they were called too. Some man had got caught in a tree trying to post a video and he ended up getting his foot caught on a piece of rope he was using and just he was just dangling there as he called 911.

Levi was called when his wallet feel out of his pocket and some kids stole it, when he arrived he admitted that he had to hold back his laughter too which is surprising since Levi is usually pretty professional when it comes to his job.

The waiter had come back and offered us some complimentary soups since our dinner was “taking longer than it should” or something. It had only been about 11 minutes since we ordered. That’s a normal time, it’s not even considered taking a while until at least after 16 minutes, and even that is not that dire. He brought out the free soups less than a minute later and then came our food came out not long after. I think it had only taken them 15 minutes to get our food out to us. If that was taking a while then they must hate going to other restaurants.

We finished eating and I had two glasses of wine while Levi only had the one. He was the one driving and he said he didn’t want more than one since we weren’t at the restaurant very long there wasn’t enough time to pace the drinks very well. After dinner, I thought we would head home, but Levi had asked if I was up for a movie too.

Dinner and a movie, how could I resist. We hadn’t been to see a movie in over a year now and I couldn’t help but take him up on the offer. On one condition. I pay. He had just paid for that fancy dinner, now it was my turn. Though it’s not nearly enough I’ll just have to figure something else out later. I had a pretty good idea on something I could do that would make his night worth wild, but that would have to wait until later.

When we got to the movie I told Levi he could pick, but he insisted they all looked cool, probably because neither of us had really stayed up to date with very many trailers. Unless it was a big movie franchise that it was hard to miss its release we didn’t really pay attention to those sort of things. Especially since we had to wait until they were released on DVD anyway.

I ended up choosing some random movie. Apparently, it was an action comedy, which I wasn’t aware of when we sat down. When we sat down the lights were just going out as the trailers started. “Just in time,” I mumbled and Levi gave a small hum of agreement.

His arm was quick to wrap around me. At least he’s not cheesy enough to do the yawn trick like honestly, I might have started dying of laughter before the movie even started. When we were first dating he used that trick all the time which good god looking back I can’t help but realize how much self-control I had too not laugh at him.

That was one thing I loved the most about Levi. He looked so intimidating to everyone, but in reality, he was just a giant sweetheart with a heart of gold. I swear when Mikasa first met him she was surprised I would fall for a guy like him, but after she got to know him a little more she seemed to catch on to him. The front he puts up isn’t that hard to see past if you actually know him.

The movie was really good, however, that could be because Levi and I were cracking jokes silently to each other throughout the whole movie. The day had gone amazing and both Levi and I were all smiles by the end of it. I think this is the first time since dad died that I was able to feel genuinely happy again, and it’s all thanks to the love of my life.

On our way out to the car, I had told Levi I would meet him out there. When he asked where I was going I lied. I told him I had to stop by the restroom when in reality something had caught my eye at the mall we were at. He disappeared and I headed into the shop. I just hoped he would like them. They were a bundle of dark crimson roses.

My eyes were drawn to them instantly. I knew he was always the romantic one, but I wanted to give it a try. I walked out to the car with them behind my back. He was leaning up against the passenger side door probably waiting so he could open the door for me, such a gentleman. I walked up with a giant grin on my face.

“What are you hiding?” he asked trying to see what was in my hands behind my back.

“I just wanted to say I love you and thank you for an amazing date night.” With that, I pulled the roses out from behind me and gave them to him.

“Awe Eren, they’re beautiful,” he smiled. That smile will be the death of me.

When we got back home to our apartment we laid down on the couch ready to relax a little before we headed to bed. I still had another day off, and Levi didn’t go into work until late tomorrow. Which means we can stay up for as long as we want with almost no consequences aside from maybe messing up our sleep schedule. Before we decided to call it a night there were three light knocks on the front door. When I went to open the door there was just an envelope on the floor with a post-it note attached.

“I think this is your mail, the mailman must have accidentally mixed ours up,” the small note read. I picked up the envelope and shrugged it off. It had Levi’s name on it.

We headed to bed and I ended up showing Levi just how grateful for the amazing day I really was. Let’s just say I made his night.


	4. Back to Work

The next day was back to work for the both of us. My two days off were through and who knew when the next time we both would be off would be. Levi left before I even woke up leaving a note on the counter. I picked up the paper and read it.

“Eren, shoot me a text after you take your meds I want to make sure you remember to take them. Also, have a good day at work babe hopefully I’ll see you tonight before bed~ sincerely your loving husband.” After I finished reading the note I got straight to taking my med. I couldn’t let Levi down, not again.

I took my meds and sent him a text with a two emojis a pill and a thumbs up. I don’t know what it is, but even just the thought of typing out a message seemed like too much effort. It must be really bad today. Maybe it’s because I just know we will be in the same rhythm as before. Going all day without seeing each other for more than 5 minutes. When we started living together I thought that meant spending more time with each other, and when we got married I thought that would mean spending my life with him. That just doesn’t seem to be the case. It seems I’m spending my life without him which is ironic since I only feel like I’m actually really living when I’m with him.

This morning it was so hard to convince myself to get out of bed, it was even harder to finally make myself hop in the shower and get dressed. It all took so much effort that I couldn’t even force myself to make something to eat before leaving for work.

I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass. I was working another double tonight courtesy of the jackass who quit yesterday and refuses to come in to finish his two weeks, on top the guy who got fired a week ago. Our short staff just got shorter and despite the help wanted sign no one is applying.

I can tell how stressed my boss is, and I know it’s not her fault that I’m getting scheduled so much, I mean we all are. She’s trying so hard, but those dicks are just making her job harder. I’m just hoping more people start applying.

I head into work and go about my shift as normal. Any minute now is all I keep thinking. Any minute now my meds should kick in and my depression should start feeling at least a little better, but it never comes. Which leads me to two separate thoughts. Thought one: my meds that were only half working have suddenly stopped working all together now. Or thought two: my depression is worse than I realize and my meds are helping but it’s so bad it feels like they aren’t.

Either way, I know one thing for sure… Today is going to be a long day. I should’ve probably seen a doctor and ask why my meds aren’t working as well as before, but then again I just couldn’t be bothered. Well, it’s not that I couldn’t be bothered, but rather that I just couldn’t bring myself to make the effort. I hate that that's how I feel because it makes me sound lazy. I’m not lazy, it’s just my depression makes me so tired and sucks the life out of me to the point that even breathing seems like a difficult task. It makes doing the most mundane things impossible like showering or even getting out of bed. I don’t know how many times I’ve collapsed because I had just forgotten to feed myself for days at a time.

Honestly, I think that’s the real reason that I don’t want kids, not that I hate them or that I’m against them, but just that I can’t even take care of myself so how could I take care of someone who is too young to take care of themselves.

It makes Levi's life a lot harder too. I mean he shouldn’t have to be a babysitter to me. “Eren did you take your meds? Eren did you eat something? Eren are you staying hydrated?” These shouldn’t be the constant things he has to ask me. He shouldn’t have to feel obligated to as these almost daily.

“Excuse me,” I was pulled out of my spiraling thoughts by a small voice. I looked around and there at my bar a young lady had sat down. Oops, how long was she sitting there?

“I’m sorry what can I get you,” I said slapping on a fake smile and getting to work.

She placed her order and not long after another girl had joined her. Her friend wasn’t as soft-spoken as she was, her voice was shrill and slurred. I could tell by their conversation that there meeting up wasn’t going according to plan. The soft-toned girl was apparently just stopping in on her lunch break for a light martini meeting up with her friend who she didn’t know was already shit-faced at 1 in the afternoon.

Who gets drunk this early? I mean alcoholics, but I don’t know she didn’t seem like a usual alcoholic to me. Mostly because she seemed to be a lightweight with how much she told her friend she drank there is no way she could be an alcoholic.

I shrugged it off and served the next customer who wandered into the bar. That was until my attention got dragged back to the two girls. “Hey hot stuff,” she let out an ear-splitting yell to get my attention.

I hesitantly turned around. It’s not my first time getting catcalled by a drunk girl. I always felt bad for the girls who worked here cause they got it ten times as bad, but usually, when they get catcalled I can easily intervene because even if they don’t listen to me they will sure listen to the biker gang members who adore me. However, girls hitting on me… that doesn’t invoke the same reaction out of people. It just makes it awkward if I turn them down since typically men are supposed to like girls especially drunk ones, but frankly I find that a disturbing stereotype.

“My friend thinks you look sexy and wants your number,” she told me. Before I could even say anything the other girl's face went bright red and she started apologizing for her friend's behavior.

“I’m so sorry sir, she’s just drunk and doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” she quickly mumbled.

“No you told me you think he’s hot,” she said persistently before turning back to me, “so aren’t you going to give her your number.”

“Sorry,” I turned towards the embarrassed and quiet girl, “It’s nice to hear that you think I look attractive, but I’m already taken,” I gave her a kind smile hoping that would appease her drunk friend, but I thought wrong.

“You’re only taken if you’re married and I don’t see a ring on your finger,” she said and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at her ignorance and blatant stupidity.

I lift the ring on my necklace, “my wedding ring is right here,” I said with a blank expression. I held back any sort of anger that she was making me have. Her friend clearly was embarrassed and didn’t like her meddling, but still, she continues. I never understand these types of people.

“First off you aren’t wearing your wedding ring on your finger which means your fair game, secondly who cares if your married have you seen how hot my friend is,” she said pointing back to her.

I just stared at her trying to ignore the arrogant nature and rude comments. Her friend does seem like a sweetheart who doesn’t want any part of this, but she just can’t get the hint.

“Well, your friend is a very lovely lady but-,” bitch didn’t even let me finish my sentence.

“But what, but nothing. You should give my friend a shot!” She said raising her voice. Her poor friend has given up and just put her head down on the counter and she looks like she’s having a rough time.

“I don’t think she’s my type,” I started to say. I wanted to break it to them easily but she keeps cutting me off.

“What do you mean she’s not your type. Hot young women aren’t your type?” She asked practically leaning over the bar to get in my face.

“I mean she doesn’t have a dick,” I said getting frustrated and silencing her right then and there.

“What?” She looked so dumbfounded.

“Women aren’t my type in general,” I said more calmly this time.

“He’s gay you dumb whore,” her friend who had gone from dying of embarrassment to laughing at her friend's stupidity had practically choked on her own laughter.

“Oh,” she said so quietly. “My bad.” She sat down looking so broken and embarrassed. Her friend was trying to apologize but was laughing too hard to get another word out.

“That’s what you get for being stupid,” she laughed.

My regulars seemed to be laughing their asses off from there tables. Glad I could be so amusing. My regulars have long known about my sexuality and some of them even tell me if anyone ever gives me shit for it to point them out and they won’t be an issue anymore.

As nice as that offer is I don’t want anything illegal happening since ya know my husband is kinda a cop. After getting off work I was right about skipping eating biting me in the ass. My stomach was already cramping up. When I got home I wanted to just crawl in bed, but I guess it depends on the level of pain I’m in. If my stomach hurts more than this then maybe, just maybe I might have to make something to eat.

I really didn’t want to make something so I decided to just pick up some fast food. I tried not to do this since it was a bad habit, but I couldn’t force myself to make anything and I didn’t want to upset Levi by not eating all day. Because not eating for a whole day leads to not eating for a few days which leads to collapsing at random which leads to more worry for him.

I called Levi on the way home to see if he wanted anything. I pulled into the drive-thru right as he answered.

“Hey baby on your way home?” he asked.

“Just stopping to pick up food, want anything?” I told him where I was and he gave me a small order. Just as I was rolling down my window at the speaker a butterfly flew in my car. I didn’t even think butterflies flew this late at night. Maybe it’s as odd as I am? That’s not the only strange thing about it. I’ve never really seen a black butterfly until now. As quickly as it came it went. It flew out when the voice came through the speaker and it disappeared into the blackness of the starless night sky.

I placed our order and headed home. Levi and I sat down and ate quickly before heading to bed even though I know you aren’t supposed to eat right before bed, but I didn’t really have much of an option this time.


	5. Bad Day

Over the next few days as anyone could have predicted our routines had continued. Our schedules never matching up. The closest we get to having a real conversation is asking the other to turn their alarm off in the morning. The only real conversation we have is through two screens asking about my meds.

A few days later I finally snapped. Of course, it had to happen when Levi was actually home this time. All day I had been feeling like shit and was really irritable. Levi and I finally were able to spend an hour together before he had to go into work, and it calmed my nerves a little bit being able to spend some actual time with my husband. Well, that was until Levi got a call. After the call, he informed me that he was called into work now. I guess that was what pushed me over the edge.

“Of course you have to work, it’s not like your husband actually wants to see you!” I blurted out without being about to stop myself. He went to speak but I just kept going not giving him the chance too. “What excuse is it this time, huh? They need you? It’s an emergency?”

“Eren-,” his voice was calm and quiet I almost didn’t even hear him, but even so I kept going.

“Why do I even bother. It’s not like I’m ever going to actually get to see you. I knew falling for you was too good to be true. What’s the point of loving someone if you never see them. You know what just go who knows this will probably be the last time we ever see each other because our schedules are just so different.”

I knew I wouldn’t be home when he got back. I had work tonight and there was no way he would be awake when I did come back home. I plopped myself back down on the couch and he walked into the bedroom without another word to get ready for work.

When he came back out he went to leave but paused at the door before coming back over to me. He leaned down and placed a kiss on my cheek before whispering out an “I love you.” Without another word he left.

I know I took my anger out on him, and sure I felt like crap after the fact but he had to leave before I could apologize. I knew I needed to at least text him and apologize, but not just yet since there was still some anger left I didn’t want it to come out.

I knew it wasn’t his fault but I couldn’t help it I was at my breaking point. Levi and I hardly ever fight, and when we do it’s always about the same thing. Our work schedules. He never even yelled back… he hardly ever does. He just sat quietly and listened as I yelled at him. After I finished he just got up kissed me on the cheek and left. I mean who does that? I don’t deserve him. I just treated him like shit and he kissed me and told me he loved me. I’m a horrible person.

Sure enough, I couldn’t get rid of the rest of my built up anger before leaving for work so I just shut my phone off. I’ll hopefully see him later tonight. I didn’t mean to just leave it that way, but I don’t want to blow up at him again. I want to calm down so I can talk it out with him normally.

When I finally finished my shifts I headed straight home. I didn’t really eat today and the pain in my stomach was getting to me, but I couldn’t eat. I felt too sick too. There was a pit in my stomach and sorrow in my heart. I just wanted to get home and apologize. I felt so guilty for my actions earlier. On my drive home I actually had to pull over with how light headed I got. I guess not eating much these past two days and working like crazy doesn’t really mix.

When the lightheadedness finally passed I was able to get back home safely. All the lights were off aside from the kitchen light we leave on for the other when we go to bed. I assumed Levi was already asleep, he did have another early shift in the morning. I poked my head in the bedroom and saw him lying in the bed.

I shut the bedroom door and went back into the kitchen. I know I should eat something, but I couldn’t bring myself to. It would just make me sick without this pit in my stomach. I didn’t want to wake him up, but I knew I really should apologize. As much as I wanted to do it in person I realized that might not be an option.

I sat down at the table for a minute and wrote out an apology note in case he had to leave before I woke up. In the note, I promised to apologize in person too since I felt so guilty.

“I’m sorry for how I acted earlier. I just miss you and the stress is starting to get to me. I’m sorry for the overreaction. I want to sit down and talk to you soon to try and figure out a way we could get through this issue. I love you and I know this isn’t much of an apology, I promise to apologize face to face tomorrow… or I guess sometime after you read this. ~ Love your husband who feels like shit for being a dick to you.”

After looking over the note I finally sigh and set it down. It will never be as good as I want it to be, but this will have to do for now at least. I headed into the bathroom my guilt still not subsiding.

I just stood there for several minutes staring into the mirror. I don’t know what came over me, but all of the sudden there was a loud crashing noise and a pain in my hand. I blinked and the mirror was broken there was blood coming from my hand and tears clouding my vision.

Did I break the mirror? Even with the pain in my hand, I can’t believe I just did that. The door flew open behind me but I hadn’t even noticed. The only noises I could hear was the rapid breathing coming from my mouth and the pounding heartbeat that I heard in my ears but felt in my chest. I don’t even know when I fell to my knees except the pain from them hitting the tile shot through me finally.

I felt arms wrap around me from behind and I just remember fully breaking. I couldn’t even speak with how hard I was sobbing. Everything hit me at once. Looking in the mirror all I could see was how much of a disappointment to everyone I was. My dad worked himself to death for this, is the thought that kept screaming at me, this worthless piece of shit who would be better off dead. This asshole who yells at his husband who is trying to help him so badly. A man who can’t even talk to his sister because he’s scared she feels the same way about him that he feels about himself. A pathetic disappointment is all you’ve ever been, and you’ll ever be. The voice screamed at me louder and louder until I snapped.

“Sshhh, baby it’s okay,” I heard Levi’s voice softly cut through the louder voices that kept berating and belittling me. I just leaned into his touch. Even though I was such an ass to him this morning he’s being so kind. Why? I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve him.

After I calmed down a little he cleaned up my hand getting the shards of glass out of it and wrapping it to stop the bleeding. When he finished with my hand he helped me to my feet and lead me to bed without another word. He had disappeared into the bathroom probably to clean up the broken glass that had fallen on the floor. He came back to bed several minutes later and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

All this without a word spoken to me aside from calming me down. I wonder if he’s still mad at me? Is that why he’s so quiet? I knew I should break the silence and say something but I couldn’t muster up the strength to speak. I wanted to apologize, to thank him, to just tell him how much he means to me. Nothing came out. I told myself I’d tell him in the morning, and if not the morning then later that night.

I waited for sleep to come, and waited and waited. Levi has long since fallen asleep but here I am still awake. Still thinking. I don’t know when my eyes finally closed, at first I didn’t think they would. However, they opened and rather than the dark room with Levi’s warmth wrapped around me the room was bright and the other side of the bed was cold.


	6. The Call

I just laid there. Something felt wrong. The cold space beside me felt empty, almost as if it would never be filled again. Oh god is Levi planning on leaving me? I know he’s pissed, but is he that pissed? I turned on my side and just looked to Levi’s side of the bed. Last night he held me so close to him despite me treating him like shit. I can’t help but just wish he was still next to me holding me. I wouldn’t feel this bad if he was.

I closed my eyes and just imagined his face there beside mine. My mind snapped back to a specific memory. It was back when our work schedules weren’t so hectic. Both of us were able to sleep in and when I woke up he was already awake. His warm hand was stroking my cheek and his fingers running through my hair. When my eyes opened he wished me a good morning before leaning in and placing a sweet kiss on my lips. His other hand moving to my hip pulling me closer to him as I deepened the kiss. That was one of the best mornings of my life. The rest of the day we were able to lay in bed and just watch movies and relax. I wish our lives were still that simple.

However, I opened my eyes and he was still gone. The space beside me was still cold. Still empty. I rolled over laying on my back and just looked at the ceiling. I couldn’t wait until I could see him and just apologize. I wanted another one of those days between us. I wanted another night where we could just be together and not have to worry about work stealing us away. I want another night with him where we just relax and embrace each other. I just want to be with him. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I don’t know how long exactly I’ve been laying in bed. I know I should probably go back to sleep since I didn’t get much last night. I know tonight I’ll have to go into work and it will be another lonely night without Levi. I just laid there staring at the ceiling dreading the long day before me. Today is just another bad day that I have to fight through.

I sat up and messed with the covers just procrastinating actually getting up and getting ready for the day. I have to get up now or later, might as well be now. Besides, I should probably get up and see if Levi’s here. I know he had work, but who knows maybe he got off early. Doubtful, but yet I can’t help but be optimistic despite knowing he’s not here. I just hope Levi got my note this morning. I really hope he knows I didn’t mean to snap at him.

I got out of bed and headed into the bathroom to get ready for the day. Walking in I noticed the broken mirror and remembered the night before. The glass that had fallen to the counter and the floor last night was gone now. I guess Levi did clean it up. As I got ready I dragged my feet the entire time. I had to fight the urge to give up on the day and go back to bed. I mean all I ever do is pout, mope, and think the worst. I’d rather at least try to be a bit more hopeful for once in my life. I finished up and walked into the empty living room.

I saw my note still sitting on the table where I left it and couldn’t help but feel guilty. Why couldn’t I just apologize to him last night? I was there laying with him for hours and I couldn’t bring myself to say a simple apology. He probably didn’t even bother to read my note. Usually, when he does he takes it with him. I mean he’s probably pissed at me. Not that I can blame him he has every right to be. I yelled at him for something that he has o control of. I was being a downright dick and even mocked him. Hell, I’m mad at me too.

I walked over to the note that was still sitting on the table. I might as well throw it away, it’s pointless especially since he doesn’t want to read-. This isn’t my note. I picked up the piece of paper that has Levi’s handwriting on it before sitting down at the table to read it.

“Text me when you take your meds. We will talk through it when I get home just like we always do. This is something we really need to discuss since it’s not the first time we’ve fought about it. We will get through this. ~ Sincerely, your husband who still loves you very much.”

I just sat there and stared at the note. He’s not mad? How is he not mad? I reread it about 10 times before actually realizing that this is what he wrote, that I wasn’t imagining it. He’s really not mad at me. He even made sure to tell me he still loves me.

I got up with a new spring in my step and took my meds making sure to send Levi the same text I send him every time I take them. Immediately I decided to release my shift tonight. Surprisingly it was picked up almost instantly by my coworker, then again she did say she was a little tight on cash. I started thinking about what to do for the night. I needed to make it up to Levi tonight and if I remember correctly he gets off work around 7.

I looked around the house and decided I would do anything and everything to show him that I’m sorry. Cleaning, cooking, etc. I pulled out the cleaning supplies and got straight to work. I spent all day doing whatever I could around the house. I cleaned everything. Twice. Three times. I swept and scrubbed the floors. I dusted everything. I cleaned the dishes even though they were already done. I washed the windows. I took out the trash. I even ran to the store to get a temporary replacement mirror for the bathroom.

After getting back from the store I went straight into the kitchen and started preparing dinner. I pulled out the ingredients and the bowl. I started making a nice soup before starting on the actual dinner. I made Levi’s favorite and started setting the table for when he got home. When I finished cooking I knew that it shouldn’t be long until Levi got back since it was already close to 7. I sat there waiting watching the door and the clock.

I don’t know why I feel so anxious to see him, it’s not like he’s going to divorce me on sight… Oh god is he going to divorce me on sight. He was mad at me he was pissed he- no stop spiraling. I picked up Levi’s note and reread it again. He’s not angry, see he still loves you. I told myself as reassurance.

I sat there waiting for him to come home. I stared at the door just waiting for it to open. I waited and waited and waited. It never opened. I started to think of bad situations which only lead to worse. Maybe he was forced to work overtime? Maybe he was actually mad at me? Maybe he didn’t want to see me? Maybe he’s cheating on me? Maybe-. My phone rang.

I ran over to answer it. It’s Levi calling me hopefully telling me he’s on his way home he was just working late. Either that or he’s leaving me. I answered the phone.

“Hey, Le-,” I was cut off before I could finish talking.

“Is this Eren?” A man’s voice had asked. There were strange noises going on in the background. I didn’t recognize this voice but with it came a wave of all new fear and dread. I felt the air get ripped out of my lungs. My heart started beating just a little faster.

This is the call I had nightmares about. This is the call that I spent so many sleepless nights worrying about. This is the call I feared every time I answered my phone while Levi was away. This is the call every wife or husband of a police officer fears. “You’re husband is in the hospital in critical condition.”

I knew it was coming when I heard the voice, but I still wasn’t ready for the punch to the gut that came with it. I felt like I couldn’t take a full breath of air, almost like there were holes in my lungs. I was a little relieved that he didn’t say dead, but critical condition is far from okay. I didn’t waste another second before running to the counter where my keys were. I couldn’t find them at first.

My hands were trembling so much I almost dropped my phone. My legs were shaking so bad I almost had to sit down. My heart beating so fast I started to get dizzy. I went to speak, to reply but my mind was spiraling with thoughts.

I pushed aside the vase filled with the dark crimson roses I had bought Levi not too long ago. Some were withered and others were alive. Sure enough, my keys were behind the vase. I grabbed them and headed out the door not bothering to even turn out the lights.

“Please tell me what happened,” I finally managed to get out between my rapid breaths and scattered thoughts.


	7. Goodbye

The drive to the hospital was the longest drive I had ever been on. I would be lying if I said the thought of crashing my car into a brick wall didn’t cross my mind more than once. However, Levi needed me. Now wasn’t the time to have intrusive thoughts it was time to get to my husband. He had to be okay, if he isn’t I don’t know what I will do. At least that was my thought at the moment, now I know what I would do, I’m doing it. But that’s not the important part right now.

I made it to the hospital safely despite swerving about a million times. It’s really hard to stay in your lane with tears blurring your vision. Despite almost hitting so many cars, parked or not I ended up without a scratch. I know you're not supposed to talk on the phone while driving, but I didn't care at this moment. I had the man fill me in on what happened to Levi. He told me what he knew.

Levi was about to head in and clock out when a final call came through. There was a domestic abuse call, nothing too extreme, well that’s what they had thought. When Levi knocked on the door and announced he was a cop apparently he was greeted with a gun the second the door opened.

That’s what Levi had apparently told the backup that was called after a neighbor reported the gunshots. He blacked out as the ambulance was arriving. Apparently, he was shot 4 times. Two in the chest one in the shoulder and one in the arm. He had lost a lot of blood and no one was sure if any major organs were hit. From what he told me though, it didn’t look so good. He was in surgery at the moment, but that wouldn’t stop me from anxiously waiting in the waiting room.

I’m not religious, hell I thought I was an atheist, but I caught myself praying to every god and deity that I had ever heard of begging them that he would turn out okay. I don’t even know how many hours had passed before someone walked out and told me he was out of surgery. He was still in critical conditions and at the moment all they could do was wait and keep an eye on him.

The one thing they were sure about was that he would be out cold for a while. However, they let me in his room. I have never seen him look so fragile before. There were so many tubes connected to him and a lot of machines beeping. His skin looked pale and had a blue tint to it. I just stood in the doorway with my feet glued to the floor.

I didn’t even deserve to step foot in his room. Last time I actually spoke to him face to face I had picked a stupid little fight. If I would have known I would never have said anything. If I would have known I would have made sure to tell him how much he meant to me, how much I love him. That’s what everyone says, if only. So many if’s but they don’t change the past. It’s too little too late. The past is set in stone.

I took a breath and owned up to the guilt I was feeling and headed into the room. I sat down next to him and took his hand in mine. My hand was shaking, my body was shaking. My vision blurred and I put my head down on the bed and just cried.

The next day came without warning. I didn’t sleep at all. Hell, I didn’t even realize that it was the next day already until a nurse had walked in greeting me with a good morning. I was just surprised that they didn’t kick me out since visiting hours were long past over. Then again even if they had tried I probably just tuned them out and refused to let go of Levi’s hand.

The next three days were the longest days of my life. I hardly ever left Levi’s side. I barely ate anything aside from when the nurse would forcibly sho me out of the room to make sure I was eating. I called my boss and told her I refuse to come in until Levi is out of the hospital. She wasn’t too happy with that news, but she understood the urgency. I was just glad I had some sick days left. He coded more than once and it nearly scared me half to death.

The third day of me being there he finally opened his eyes. I heard the change in his heart monitor and looked up. He was awake and I felt my heart fill with joy. Of course, it was a premature celebration. He squeezed my hand as hard as he could, which wasn’t very hard. He hoarsely whispered out a simple “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I rushed out. I had to make sure he knew that. I had to make sure my last words to him weren’t those of hatred, but those of love. I didn’t want to say goodbye but a part of me knew whether I liked it or not this truly was goodbye.

When his eyes closed again something was wrong. His hand felt limp in mine. The monitors started blaring. I backed away and let the nurses do their thing, but I knew that was it. They wouldn’t be able to bring him back this time. That I love you was him saying goodbye.

I was ushered outside of the room while they worked, but I knew that this was it. Our vows rang through my ears. Til death do us part, we had told each other. But even in death, I didn’t want to leave his side. I had no one else. I mean I love my sister to death, but I can never tell her how much I actually care about her. I can’t even talk to her for more than 5 minutes without feeling like I’ve grown up a failure. She’s accomplished everything, a great job, a nice house, free time. Whereas I just lost the one thing that completed my life. I was alone.

I knew what the nurse was telling me when she came out. She had come to deliver the bad news, however, there was still a part of me that held out hope. I kept telling myself Levi’s strong, he’s a fighter, he won’t die. He was strong, he held out for three days. Three days! That’s longer than I would have held out. Hell knowing myself I would have willed myself to die faster.

The drive home that night was quiet. I was tempted more than ever to drive my car off a bridge. However, I ended up back at home. I wasn’t done yet. Levi needed a proper burial. If I couldn’t at least do this then what kind of a husband would I be.

Walking into the house I looked at the withered and wilted dark crimson roses. I hadn’t been home since I got the call. I was in the same filthy clothes that I was that night. The dinner I cooked still sitting in the oven that was turned off. I feared even opening it at first. I started making the funeral plans.

I refused to even shed a tear at first. I knew when I got started I wouldn’t be able to stop. The next few days were hell. I waited and waited for the day of the funeral like a kid waiting for Christmas. I knew what I was going to do from the beginning. That’s not what’s important at the moment though.

During the funeral everything was quiet and people were crying. They gave me their condolences. Mikasa tried to comfort me, and I feel bad for avoiding her, but I knew she might stop me if she was able to read my body language enough.

While saying our final goodbyes I looked to the cloudless sky. It was such a beautiful day. Just how Levi would have liked it. I looked back at Levi’s coffin and placed my hand on it.

“It’s funny, I always thought I would be the first to die. Ya know with my lack of self-preservation and suicidal thoughts and all. Guess I was wrong, I have never wanted to be right about something more than now. I always wanted to be the first to go so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this pain and the spiraling of my depression, but here we are. Anyway, I’m sorry my love, but it seems that I will be joining you quicker than expected.

Immediately after saying that I watched as a single drop of water fell on my hand. I looked back to the cloudless sky processing what I had seen before looking back at the drop on my hand. “Please don’t cry Levi, you’re gonna make me cry.” When the funeral was over I knew so was my time here.

Whoever found this note thought it was probably just a normal suicide note, but I know this is a lot longer than a suicide note. Why am I writing all of this down? Well, because it’s our story, and as sad as it may be it doesn’t deserve to be forgotten. Since I’m not going to be around much longer to tell it I decided this was the next best thing. Though we are gone I hope our love will never die. I’m sorry for leaving so soon, but I couldn’t wait to see Levi again. Goodbye~ Eren.

PS. I want whoever finds this note to know a few simple reminders. Never take life for granted. Never leave conflicts unresolved. Treat everyone with love. Most importantly, make sure the people around you know just how much you care about them.


	8. The Final Goodbye

I bring my hand up to the door tapping my knuckles on it lightly. I wait a moment. No response. I bring my hand back up tapping a little louder this time. Still nothing. Knocking on the door for the fifth time with no response I feel a chill go down my spine. I took a deep breath and took a step back they said in case of emergencies. I think this counts as an emergency. I ran my fingers across the top of the doorframe. There it is. I pulled down the key and unlocked the door.

He told me at the funeral he wanted to be alone, but being alone after losing someone is never a good idea. Especially, since my brother has never been great about dealing with any sort of negative emotions without, how he says, wanting to hurl himself off a skyscraper. At the funeral, he was avoiding me which wasn’t all that strange. What was strange was how he acted. He loved Levi, yet he wasn’t crying at times I even caught him smiling. It scared me to imagine what he was thinking about. When he left on his own I couldn’t shake the feeling something was very very wrong.

“Eren?” I call out looking around the dark and empty living room. “I know you said you wanted to be alone, but I don’t think that’s the best idea right now.” The room seems eerily quiet. Making my way towards the bedroom I look around the room. Everything seems normal enough, well aside from the lights being off. The closed bathroom door caught my eye and I stop in front of it. This door was never closed unless someone was in there. I brought my hand up to knock on the door.

When I was met with silence I couldn’t help but feel this sense of dread. I tried the doorknob and sure enough, it was unlocked. “Eren, I’m coming in,” I announce before slowly opening the door.

I could hear the screams before I could even process that I was the one making them. I ran over to him to check his breathing and heart rate with one hand while I pull my phone out with my other. I hear ringing before I even realize I had dialed 911.

“My brother took a whole bunch of pills and he’s barely breathing please send help,” I cry into the phone. I gave them the address and waited an eternity for them to show up.

Why? Why didn’t I come back with him? Why did I let him avoid me? Why didn’t I insist on staying by his side? All these questions and they change nothing. He’s still here on the floor dying.

The paramedics rush in and before I knew it I’m following them to the ambulance begging them to save him. They let me ride in the ambulance with him and I never let go of his hand even when they pronounced him dead. He never even made it to the hospital.

In the span of a week, I’ve lost not only my brother in law but also my brother. I thought losing dad was bad. I thought that would be the only loss I’d have to deal with for a while, but life likes to throw curveballs. It doesn’t play fair. They both had their whole lives ahead of them and just like that, they are gone too soon.

I can’t help but feel guilty for Eren’s death. I knew how bad his depression could get. I knew he shouldn’t have been alone, but I let him anyways. Before going home I had gone back to Eren’s place since I had seen something as I was rushing out the door. There was a note sitting on the table, not like any note I’ve seen him write. It was a packet of papers.

I walked in the apartment and sat down at the table looking at the top page it said: “read me.” So I did. I read all of it, all 36 pages. It had talked about their relationship just before Levi died. It showed Eren’s thoughts. I never understood his thought process, but through his writing it finally made sense. Whenever he wrote about me he always made sure to write about me with such love, but he always seemed to think that I would see him as a disappointment.

Never in my life has he disappointed me, I just wish he knew just how much I cared about him. I looked up to him. He was my big brother who helped raise me after mom died. My big brother who always watched out for me. He was the only family I had left. Now, I’m alone. I picked up the stack of papers and took them with me. He wanted someone to remember them, and that is exactly what I will do. I will remember them and their story, their love.

When his funeral came around we laid him in the ground next to Levi. Towards the end of the funeral, I looked up and saw two butterflies come out of nowhere. They seemed to be flying with each other. One was a white color the other was a light blue. They flew right past me and headed towards the sky.

I couldn’t help but smile at them knowing. “Goodbye boys, say hi to mom and dad for me.” At that very moment they vanished just before my eyes.


End file.
